[ they are all, quite literally, in the same boat. and yet, the words lack some of the conviction they would usually have — not because she doesn't believe them, but because she's got other things on her mind. ]
[ the instinct to say no again is there; to cover up her own vulnerabilities and to pretend that they aren't there — but they are, and lying about it isn't going to change that. it takes more strength to face up to them than anything else, she knows that.
it'll also help, but knowing that and feeling that it's true are two different things. ]
[ jax draws the cigarette from behind his ear, offers it up to her. he doesn't really expect her to take it, but it's the gesture that jax is trying to make that's important. he's trying offer her some kind of tangible comfort. ]
[ she takes the cigarette, not because she smokes or has any intention of holding on to it, but because the intention is important and — it gives her something to focus her eyes on while she talks. ]
Morgoth made me think some things had happened that didn't, took some of my memories and replaced them with others, and left us all in a burning room.
[ she walked out on her own, in the end, but it had taken erik, charles and mystique freeing her to get her to that point. this time, she hadn't been able to safe herself.
she's still here, though, and that's a victory of sorts, too. ]
[ in lieu of talking about the bigger things, the worse things. jax focuses on the win. there's victory in it, the fact that something tried to kill her and she was still standing. ]
[ he wouldn't have to say it so explicitly with the sons, but then again, jax knew how to handle things like this when it was the sons. anderson is something completely different. helping her isn't as easy as pouring some shots, fucking a crow eater, waking up and brushing it all away. ]
[ though it wasn't like she hadn't had a walk through before. his tone is still faintly wary. the crow eaters aren't the worst that can be picked up on, but jax has a lot more intimate shit kicking around his head. ]
[ unapologetic. she's not digging into the intricacies of his mind, not searching for any secrets — but she's not letting her guard down, not after what happened on arima, and that she's not looking away from anyone's mind. ]
[ it's deceptively calm. he doesn't like it. he hates it. this is her first strike though. if nothing else, jax is learning to pick his battles up here. ]
[ she doesn't want to tell him that she'll pick personal safety over friendship if she has to. maybe she doesn't have to, with him, but there are good reasons not to stay out of people's surface thoughts.
so she lifts one shoulder, something between a shrug and acknowledgment in the motion, the tilt of her chin. ]
I can't know that until I know what it is.
[ she has some idea, but it's a change of topic and she's willing to take it. ]
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[ they are all, quite literally, in the same boat. and yet, the words lack some of the conviction they would usually have — not because she doesn't believe them, but because she's got other things on her mind. ]
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[ begrudgingly, before-- ]
You good? You've been quiet.
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You need to talk about it?
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[ the instinct to say no again is there; to cover up her own vulnerabilities and to pretend that they aren't there — but they are, and lying about it isn't going to change that. it takes more strength to face up to them than anything else, she knows that.
it'll also help, but knowing that and feeling that it's true are two different things. ]
Arima was — bad.
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I heard.
[ not anything specific, but. ]
I didn't know you got caught up in that.
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Morgoth made me think some things had happened that didn't, took some of my memories and replaced them with others, and left us all in a burning room.
[ she walked out on her own, in the end, but it had taken erik, charles and mystique freeing her to get her to that point. this time, she hadn't been able to safe herself.
she's still here, though, and that's a victory of sorts, too. ]
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[ in lieu of talking about the bigger things, the worse things. jax focuses on the win. there's victory in it, the fact that something tried to kill her and she was still standing. ]
You right with it in your head?
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Mostly. [ a beat, and more honestly than she's strictly speaking comfortable with: ] Getting there.
[ she'd been so scared, but more than that, she'd been helpless. ]
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[ he wouldn't have to say it so explicitly with the sons, but then again, jax knew how to handle things like this when it was the sons. anderson is something completely different. helping her isn't as easy as pouring some shots, fucking a crow eater, waking up and brushing it all away. ]
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I don't think so.
[ and, a moment later, with forced lightness: ] Crow eater?
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[ though it wasn't like she hadn't had a walk through before. his tone is still faintly wary. the crow eaters aren't the worst that can be picked up on, but jax has a lot more intimate shit kicking around his head. ]
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[ unapologetic. she's not digging into the intricacies of his mind, not searching for any secrets — but she's not letting her guard down, not after what happened on arima, and that she's not looking away from anyone's mind. ]
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[ it's deceptively calm. he doesn't like it. he hates it. this is her first strike though. if nothing else, jax is learning to pick his battles up here. ]
You sure you wanna know what a crow eater is?
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so she lifts one shoulder, something between a shrug and acknowledgment in the motion, the tilt of her chin. ]
I can't know that until I know what it is.
[ she has some idea, but it's a change of topic and she's willing to take it. ]
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[ which is unpleasant, but not as unpleasant as it could be. there's a lot worse kicking around in jax's head. ]
does the reaper stand for some kind of clothes or is it a condom I JUST DONT KNOW
You're right, that wouldn't make me feel better. [ nor would the shots, probably. ]
it's the symbol stitched into the back of his cut!! ALSO POSSIBLY A CONDOM.........
[ though he'd hoped to at least get a laugh. nothing, anderson? ]
You wanna go wipe the mats with me? Prove you still got it?
IM GOING WITH CONDOM OK
but the offer to wipe the mats with him gets if not a smile, then at least an easing of tension around her neck and shoulders. ]
Yeah.
I'LL ALLOW IT
[ it's not much, but he'll take it. baby steps, right. ]
EXCELLENT
Of course.
[ she gives him a nod, just once and more decisive than she really feels, and gets to her feet. ]